This post could alternatively be titled Making Way For An Interloper, but let’s focus on the positive, shall we?
There’s no recipe for adding another person to the family. You’re adding a living, breathing, potentially kicking person into the mix. This means a time of transition for everyone. Here are a few suggestions to help ready siblings on what’s to come:
Make a book – I made Luk Chaai this book that talks about handling change and ways he could deal with everything that was happening. Even though he isn't a 50-something-year-old woman, for him, this was The Change. And, let’s face it, even if he got nothing from the book, it made me feel like I was doing something.
Give a gift – My brother is six years younger than I am. When he was born, he paid me the proper respect an elder sister deserves and he brought me a gift. I still have it. The day we met Ying, Luk Chaai gave her a doll; she brought him Legos. Did it help pave the way? I don’t know, but hopefully they’ll still have their gifts well into adulthood too.
Talk about emotions – We did a lot of talking with Luk Chaai about his own adoption. We talked about things like: remember how you cried when you met us? You sister may be scared and she may cry too. We tried to emphasize that his ready-made friend may not always feel very friendly.
Pick a travel spot – Luk Chaai was excited about a return trip to the land of birth. There were many reasons to be excited. He was going to meet his long-awaited, much-talked about sister; he would be visiting his foster mother; and he was staying in a hotel with a pool AND a breakfast buffet. Can you say win-win?
To help make sure that he maintained that level of enthusiasm, we asked him to pick a travel destination. He picked “a train.” Luckily we were able to find one, and it turned out to be memorable, if hot, day for everyone.
Countdown with a paper chain – As we got ready for “airplane day,” each night we tore a link off of a paper chain. It was a good visual for all of us as we counted down.
There were a few more miscellaneous things that we did in preparation of travel. We’ve always traveled with Luk Chaai’s pillow case, so we packed that. I also really wanted to emphasize to Luk Chaai that he was coming home with us. He didn’t seem to show any concerns that he might have one-way ticket, but given his age and the fact that he was being reunited with his foster mother, I really felt the need to drive home to him that we were all coming home .
In an effort to do that, before we left the house, we said good bye to his bed and room, saying ‘see you in a few weeks, see you soon.’ I also made a calendar for him that showed our daily activities and when we would be coming home.
Our transition wasn’t smooth. There were days with jagged edges and raw feelings. But there were also days when a little girl sought out her brother’s hand. Days when a big brother bounced and banged around, impatient for his sister to wake from her nap. Glory graced those days.
May it grace yours too.
My kids were 8 and 10 when we adopted their siblings. We spend a lot of time learning about Ethiopia and what life would have been like for kids there. I think that was helpful when we took them with us, as they were better prepared for what they saw. I also think it continues to be helpful when we have those difficult days and I can remind them of our kids' past. Because they are a little older, they can understand why someone with a certain history would act out in a certain situation. We also did our best to prepare them in case the new kids didn't want anything to do with them. But, in our case, that was never an issue - the little ones LOVE their bigs!
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