Along Came Then

Sometimes people like to tell me how enviable my current set-up is. I don’t disagree but after while it grates on me.

Our current circumstances aren’t the result of us winning life’s luck lottery, although there was certainly a fair amount of that involved (and an unmistakable amount of providence). But in many ways, we spent our whole lives preparing for where we are today. We just didn’t know that’s what we were doing.

Many years ago we were fresh out of college and green at marriage. My husband’s dream internship was supposed to turn into a dream job. But it didn’t, not for anyone.

Instead he took a job in retail. As it turns out, he turned that filler job into a successful career.  At the time, we were sure that job, the one we thought not worthy of his not-yet-hung college diploma, was a temporary place holder. It wasn’t, it was a stepping stone. Little did we know that he was working for a company that years later would be one of the few remaining to offer an employer adoption assistance program.  Or that we would use it, more than once.

Five years ago, if you had asked me for my five-year plan, I would have rattled it off to you. It wouldn’t have included speech therapy, a wheelchair, or petitioning Congress to change disability laws. Yet here we are.

What I didn’t know then was that my job was teaching me skills I would later use to advocate for my kids. Yet here were are.

It’s beautiful here.

That boring meeting at the thankless job you’re sitting in today, that dinner out that you’ll forgo this weekend, in favor of leftovers in, that coupon for two quarters or less off that you’re clipping when it seems pointless – it all means something.

It’s not just for the here and now, but also for the Then.

Because, when you least expect it, along comes Then.

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Have you read Jeff Goin’s new book, The In-Between: Embracing the Tension Between Now and the Next Big Thing? If you haven’t, you should. It covers this very topic.

It’s All In Your Mind: Growth vs Fixed Mindsets

The set up, the swing, the guys who have been roped into retrieving the ball

I was cooking this weekend and enlisted Ying and Luk Chaai’s help snapping the ends off of green beans. This wasn’t the kind of task Ying could complete with just one finger, so I suggested she bite the end off. After one chomp of raw green bean, she found my suggestion lacking, in, well, taste. Instead Ying asked for her scissors and snipped the ends off. Solution found; problem solved.

Again and again Ying personifies the adage if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.  I’m fascinated by this relentless determination because it’s not the result of anything we’ve taught her. Additionally, this attitude seems particularly prevalent among congenital amputees. Where do Ying, Richie Parker, Kyle Maynard, Nick Vujicic, Jessica Cox (to name a few) get their resolve? I’ve been reading Mindset by Carol Dweck, and I think I have the answer. People that repeatedly and persistently work to overcome have a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset. 

To define the different mindsets, Dwerk asks when do you feel smart? Is it when you don’t make a mistake, when something is easier for you than others or is it when you work on something and figure it out? People who feel smart when they’re flawless have a fixed mindset. People who feel smart when they’re learning have a growth mindset.

I will admit to falling smack dab into the first camp in many areas of my life. I feel more successful as the hare than the tortoise. I prize speed and perfection, in myself and in others. If I’m not careful, I’ll certainly convey this to my kids. And, I don’t want to. Speed and perfection are not the hallmarks of a life well-lived. As Dwerk points out, they are also the enemies of difficult learning.

Can you reform a fixed mindset and hone a growth mindset? Dwerks says yes and gives some practical, helpful examples on how. She says to offer children encouragement such as: “That homework was long and involved. I really admire the way you concentrated and finished it.” or “It makes me really upset when you don’t do a full job. When do you think you can complete this?”

Another suggestion from the book that we will be immediately incorporating will be to discuss a mistake we made or something we worked to overcome each day. We’re going to try doing this at dinner time. I see a huge advantage to doing it at this time of day. If my dinner is not well-received, I know what my ‘fail of the day’ can be. 

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The green beans I was making can be found here. They were delicious.

I’ll Take Tinkering For A Dollar, Alex

Luk Chaai is a taker-aparter. If something can be undone, he’ll undo it. Permission not required.

The other day I came upstairs to find that he’d hoisted his Little Tikes car up so that he could work on the undercarriage. He’d used the cord from his sister’s blinds to do it.

On the one hand, I’m proud of his ingenuity. On other, I’d prefer to that the bulk of our household items remain as they were – working and intact. I think that second part is what Spike Lee was referring to when he said “parents are the biggest dream killers.”

So when we saw a neighbor’s yard sale this weekend, we knew this was our chance. Luk Chaai, Ying and Daddy went. They came back with a DVD/CD combo thing.

Look, Dad, I did it!

Luk Chaai did not work alone.

Luk Chaai was given screwdrivers and the purchase. He was told “have at it.”

It might be the best dollar we’ve ever spent.

 

Three Tips That Border On Brilliant

 

You are my sunshine. – Ying is a pretty neat eater, surprisingly so. But when we have a tomato-related incident, I put the clothes out in the sun. The sun bleaches the stain right out, no stain remover needed. Magic!

Point and shoot - Frequently I find self portraits of Luk Chaai’s feet on my phone. While I’m typically amused, I prefer to use my phone for a more practical purpose. I take pictures of paperwork: party invitations we receive (so now I have all details beyond what I entered into Cozi), quotes I like, books I want to read, recipes, etc… It’s not as fun as a story board of feet, but it is useful.

Parlez-vous LanguagePod101? – If you’re trying to learn a new language, check out languagepod101. They offer a number of languages including Spanish, Chinese, Cantonese, Thai and Korean. A seven-day trial is free. I much prefer this to Rosetta Stone. It’s language lessons but each lesson also includes a different cultural insight. I download lessons onto my phone and then play them during school pick-up and drop-offs.

Tips shared. Duty done.

Over and out.

When Life Singles You Out

Do you ever feel like life is picking on you? I do.

I made two trips to the DMV over our new wheelchair mini-van. I had to have that brand-new bad boy smogged, taxed, and VIN verified.

Initially the DMV wasn’t going to give me handicapped plates because Ying isn’t on the car’s registration. I pointed out that’s because minors aren’t allowed to be on a vehicle’s registration. The DMV finally relented when I explained that the only reason I bought this car was for the wheelchair and signed a sworn statement acknowledging that this was Ying’s primary transportation. Two separate DMVs signed off on this and I walked out the door with the plates. (They only wanted to give me a rear-view mirror placard, which I’d have to hang each time I parked. FYI, you’ll likely need a doctor to sign off on either the placard or plates.)

Then today I got a letter from the DMV telling me to make an appointment to surrender the plates because Ying isn’t on the registration. Grrrr!

Whenever life confronts me with these aggravations, I lie. I tell myself that once I get past this hurdle that life will be smooth sailing. This isn’t true. Something new, and if possible, more inane always crops up. Why hello, adoption credit tax audit or an attempt to correct a name spelling error causing the insurance to drop said misspelled person altogether.

Life’s little tribulations are not a phase. Unlike a new pair of shoes, they do not pinch at first and then wear well. No, these blood suckers have tenure and rent-controlled housing. They are here to leech the life right out of us if we let them.

I want to be a better student of life, able to handle whatever comes at me. Fastball, I’m ready. Curve ball, I’m going to hit it out of the park. Slow pitch, come to momma.

Batter up, baby. Life’s all about the slide.

The DMV has yet to mess with this car.

Preparing Siblings For The Adoption Of A Brother Or Sister

This post could alternatively be titled Making Way For An Interloper, but let’s focus on the positive, shall we?

There’s no recipe for adding another person to the family. You’re adding a living, breathing, potentially kicking person into the mix. This means a time of transition for everyone. Here are a few suggestions to help ready siblings on what’s to come:

Make a book – I made Luk Chaai this book that talks about handling change and ways he could deal with everything that was happening. Even though he isn't a 50-something-year-old woman, for him, this was The Change. And, let’s face it, even if he got nothing from the book, it made me feel like I was doing something.

Give a gift – My brother is six years younger than I am. When he was born, he paid me the proper respect an elder sister deserves and he brought me a gift. I still have it.  The day we met Ying, Luk Chaai gave her a doll; she brought him Legos. Did it help pave the way? I don’t know, but hopefully they’ll still have their gifts well into adulthood too.

Talk about emotions – We did a lot of talking with Luk Chaai about his own adoption. We talked about things like: remember how you cried when you met us? You sister may be scared and she may cry too. We tried to emphasize that his ready-made friend may not always feel very friendly.

Pick a travel spot – Luk Chaai was excited about a return trip to the land of birth. There were many reasons to be excited. He was going to meet his long-awaited, much-talked about sister; he would be visiting his foster mother; and he was staying in a hotel with a pool AND a breakfast buffet. Can you say win-win?

To help make sure that he maintained that level of enthusiasm, we asked him to pick a travel destination. He picked “a train.” Luckily we were able to find one, and it turned out to be memorable, if hot, day for everyone.

Countdown with a paper chain – As we got ready for “airplane day,” each night we tore a link off of a paper chain. It was a good visual for all of us as we counted down.
There were a few more miscellaneous things that we did in preparation of travel. We’ve always traveled with Luk Chaai’s pillow case, so we packed that. I also really wanted to emphasize to Luk Chaai that he was coming home with us. He didn’t seem to show any concerns that he might have one-way ticket, but given his age and the fact that he was being reunited with his foster mother, I really felt the need to drive home to him that we were all coming home . 

In an effort to do that, before we left the house, we said good bye to his bed and room, saying ‘see you in a few weeks, see you soon.’ I also made a calendar for him that showed our daily activities and when we would be coming home.

Our transition wasn’t smooth. There were days with jagged edges and raw feelings. But there were also days when a little girl sought out her brother’s hand. Days when a big brother bounced and banged around, impatient for his sister to wake from her nap. Glory graced those days.
May it grace yours too.

Hungry, Hungry Kiddos: School Lunch Box Ideas

Luk Chaai’s idea of a truly decent meal.

 

My kids are good eaters, embarrassingly so. At the court hearing for Luk Chaai’s adoption, the deputy commented on how “sturdy” he was. Last weekend at a party, Ying ate four bowls of chow fun prompting comments of, “Geesh! Don’t you ever feed this child?” I can assure you that the people who get a kick out of watching our kids eat are the people who don’t foot the grocery bill! Some people worry about a run on the banks, we worry about a run on the Asian food market.

Here are a few lunch box ideas for hearty and picky eaters alike:

- egg salad with sun dried tomatoes (a favorite of mine)
- seaweed
- edamame
- banana chips
- Persian cucumbers and hummus
- pasta salad
- gyoza
- quesadillas
- mangos and strawberries
- pepperoni and cubed cheese
- ham and pineapple chunks
- bagels with cream cheese
- pita chips with white bean spread (white beans in the food processor with EVOO, salt, pepper, garlic)
- apples and peanut butter
- Craisins with pretzels