A few months back, I wrote this about how we’ve decided to handle rude stares at the playground and elsewhere.
Since we’ve implemented our new approach, I thought I’d write an update to how it’s working. It’s going well. Here’s why I think that is:
We’ve gotten better at identifying places that are going to send the stare-o-meter spinning off madly into outer space. Over time we’ve learned when we’re going to have a high-volume staring day. Basically, if people paid to get in, like at a museum, aquarium or amusement park, chances are they are going to stare double. Apparently if people have paid an entrance fee, they feel like they’ve paid to look at everything and everyone, politely and impolitely.
It’s actually helpful for me to know this. Because I’m not caught off-guard, I tend to be more proactive from the start. Instead of saving my snarkiest look for the umpteenth person who got caught in prolonged and tortured double-take, I start with the very first person I see staring. I say hello firmly and with a polite but pointed smile. Then we all move on and enjoy what what we came to see.
A straightforward attitude works. Here’s what I’ve noticed, a straightforward attitude puts everyone at ease. Since we’ve taken a much more active approach with uncomfortable staring, people have approached us more frequently. Several times now, I’ve had moms approach me and tell me, “I don’t know what to say [to my child].” I think that’s really brave of those moms. When the shoe was on the other foot, I didn’t take that approach.
When an opportunity like that is created, it gives everyone involved a chance to just talk. That talking leads to learning learning, for all of us.
In this scenario, I usually tell kids that Ying was born with only one arm and one finger. Depending on the age of the child, I typically mention that only having one arm/finger doesn’t hurt. Because she almost always has her nails polished, I try to use that as common ground. Ying loves it because it gives her an added opportunity to show off her wild polish and wag her crazy finger.
I’m always happy for moments like this because it doesn’t make anyone feel ostracized or out-of-place. I’m not feeling huffy or indignant and the other parent isn’t tying to bail out of a sinking ship. We’re all empowering ourselves and our kids, in different ways. I’m pretty sure that’s what we all want.
It’s okay to end it. At least once in recent history, a child didn’t stop staring even after my “hello” accompanied by smile. It was followed up with a “Can I help you?” Our starer didn’t budge. At that point after a few more minutes, I announced loudly and firmly, ‘We’re done here” and we moved on to a different play area in the same park. Before I would have felt like this was slinking off with our tail between our legs. I no longer do. I can’t change the world, it’s not my job. But I can change an uncomfortable environment for myself and my kids. That is my job.
This is an evolving process. I’m still learning, as are my kids. I don’t think we’ve solved a rudeness (combined with lack of education) problem in one month’s time. But I do think we are making headway on handling this issue with civility and grace.
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