Attachment and the Adopted Child

I’m no parenting expert. In fact, sometimes, I’m the parent who wants to pull her kid out of Toys R’ Us by his hair.

But what I have learned is that I tend to get more practical information from friends/blogs/real life experiences than I have any books on parenting, adoption or the like. I think that’s because while I appreciate the theory, I need more of the application.

These are lychee peels. They are bumpy on the outside, yet iridescent and smooth on the inside. I’m pretty sure there’s a life metaphor in there. Plus, lychee are extra delicious!

I think that if I’ve learned one concrete thing about attachment it’s that it is a lot about personality – theirs and yours. There are certainly tangible mile markers you can look for: good eye contact, physical closeness, the lack or presence of hypervigilance, etc…  All of these are documented in the truly wonderful book, Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child: From Your First Hours Together Through the Teen Years by Patty Cogen. Here’s a tidbit from her book that has really stayed with me, from page 105, “In their first two months together, an infant and parent practice eye contact for approximately 200 hours. Parents of an internationally adopted child need to replicate this level of eye contact and face-to-face interaction in order to retrace these early connection steps.”

In the book, Cogen gives a lot of great activity suggestions, one of which we’ve put our own spin on. She suggests singing If You’re Happy and You Know It as a way to learn about feelings. We changed it, and a few other songs, as an expression of affection.

For example, instead of If You’re Happy and You Know It, we sing: If you love Ying and you know it, give her a hug. If you love Ying and you know it give her a hug, etc….

We also sing the song my Nana taught my mom and my momma taught me, Where oh where is dear little Luk Chaai? Where oh where is dear little Luk Chaai? Way down yonder in the pawpaw patch…..

While you can certainly change the words to any song to incorporate names, we particularly like to add names to When the Rooster Wakes Up in the Morning, He always says Cock-a-doodle-do. Cock-a-doodle-do, Cock-a-doodle-do. We sing: When Daddy wakes up in the morning, he always says, Good Morning, Good Morning, etc….  This helps demonstrate that we will be there when they wake up and that we’ll consistently be happy to see them.

While parents of adopted children tend to think more in terms of attachment, a song that promotes bonding is obviously good for everyone. What tunes are you warbling too?

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Two more happys: I made Luk Chaai this family memory game for his birthday a few years back. I got the wooden circles from Michaels. Then I had pictures of each of us printed in duplicate. I ModPodged the pictures to one side and scrapbook paper to another.

I made this alphabet photo book by photographing toys, household items and special people for each letter. D is for Daddy, M for Mommy, G for Grandma and Grandpa and the dog even made it in too.