Recently someone commented on how well Ying and Luk Chaai get along. They, most assuredly, have their moments. But we’ve gone from having days that were one big long moment to having days when their jealousies and spats are a bit more spread out.
While Luk Chaai undeniably has the upper hand (literally) most of the time, Ying can give it as good as she gets it. She’s limited in limbs, not lungs.
We’re under no illusions that their developing relationship is the result of us getting things right. We know it’s been more about minimizing the number of things we’ve gotten wrong. Here are a few things that have helped the relationship along, especially in the early days.
1. Mommy and Me/Daddy and Me Time – It was so hard to carve out time for just one child in the beginning (and we only have the two!). We were dealing with jetlag and a flurry of doctor’s appointments. Ying got the flu shortly after we came home and some of us came home with lice. It was good times. Combine that with the holidays and me laying with Ying until she fell asleep at nap and bedtime, this was tough. But everyone needed this. I called my time with Luk Chaai “adventures” and sometimes by accident they were.
One Saturday AM we went looking for fresh strawberries from a strawberry stand. We had a limited amount of time because my husband needed to leave for a funeral. It felt like we drove almost to the state line looking for an open stand and had to hustle back, empty-handed. The funny thing is that Luk Chaai frequently talks about this when we get strawberries now. I’m so glad we made (and still make) the time for these memories.
2. Age Has It’s Privileges – A friend suggested that we let Luk Chaai stay awake 10-15 minutes past his usual bedtime to emphasize he’s older than Ying. Sometimes we were all hanging on by a thread, ready to pass out at bedtime and then he’d remind us “because I’m older and have more responsibilities I get to stay awake more. Okay, mommy? Alright? But you said!” Oh brother!
But the thing is, it kind of worked. We didn’t see magical results after one night of a postponed bedtime, but over time he seemed to appreciate that more was given to him because more was expected of him (even when we fudged on the number of minutes).
3. Boss for the Night - I can’t remember where I read about this but it’s definitely a fan favorite. It gets implemented now for fun or when someone’s having a particularly hard day. The designated child becomes “boss” for the night. He or she chooses which chair everyone sits in at dinnertime, who passes out the napkins and who says grace. At the end of the meal, instead of everyone being responsible for clearing their own plates, the boss gets to delegate this job. Everyone loves to be in charge and, of course, gets a kick out of my loud husband’s protests over being bossed about.
4. That’s What I Like About You – This is the cheesiest of all, but desperate times will reduce you to just about anything. Each night at dinner we went around the table and said two things we all liked about each other. Ying’s language skills prevented her from truly contributing in any meaningful way at first. Basically she said our names and then a few indecipherable things. But she certainly grinned when we said what we liked about her!
Luk Chaai’s compliments were a bit of a stretch at times. In the beginning he just parroted mine and my husband’s or he sort of copped out with a, “I like that she gave me her leftover rice.” Still over time, he began coming up with actual reasons he liked his sister and ones that showed a genuine relationship was budding.
You can’t make kids, biological or adopted, like each other or even need each other. But you can teach them to be respectful of one another. And, you can teach them to like themselves. I think in teaching them to appreciate who they are as individuals, liking those closest to them becomes a natural response.
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